The writing on (and off) the wall: He doth protest too much about the Rams’ escort service

Tom Hoffarth /

Congrats and salutations to the young rebel who called attention to himself by dynamically prancing across the field during the Rams-49ers game on Monday Night Football, leading to a surprise meet-and-greet – and near beat-down — by Rams linebacker Bobby Wagner.

After which, the lad had the inflated balls to file a police report against Wagner, as reported by TMZ.

He successfully checked all the correct boxes in getting a protest message across effectively. They don’t teach this in college. It’s real-life experience. It also creates a curious if not lively discussion about what this all entails on even more credible media platforms. It has some shelf life now. Bravo.

From reading on, we’ve come to know the name of this fellow, but we’ll refrain from identifying him. We believe in the merit of a recent Associated Press policy change to no longer run the names of people charged with minor crimes “out of concern such stories can have a long, damaging effect on the Internet and make it hard for individuals to move on with their lives.” Yes, this will come back to haunt him. Plus, if it was publicity he was seeking, he’s going to have to live with being nameless in this space.

So without naming names, we now know what you were protesting. We don’t totally agree with it. But that’s your right.

Now that we’ve also learned you’ve asked the local authorities to act on your behalf because of you’ve come to believe you were unnecessarily assaulted during your truant action, again, we again don’t agree. But that’s your party, and you’ll cry if you want to.

Even with a greater understanding for your naivety, we somewhat admire your gumption.

Now, we invite you to leap into a vat of burning hot oil and see how that ends up.

But first, just 10 quick questions:

You do realize, in the court of public opinion, what you did is not so different from circumventing a clearly marked boundary at a wild animal park called the “Western Mountainous Regions of North America,” finding yourself charged at by a bighorn sheep after you trip over her lamb calling attention to the facilities’ use of plastic straws, and then deciding to seek redress with the head zookeeper for oppressing your right to suck?

Rams are known to — how should we say? — ram into people. Read National Geographic. Watch the National Geographic Channel. There are simple instructions on “How To Defend Against A Ram” to help if this encounter ever happens. Same as a bear, or lion. Or a charger. Of any number of NFL team mascots. Due diligence?

How were you able to enter Levi Stadium in Santa Clara concealing a device that emitted enough pink smoke that made us believe this was just another lousy gender reveal?

Was the plan to run around long enough to be safely apprehended by a security guard just trying to his/her job? Have you ever seen a security guard ever do his/her job with much success at a sporting event?

What did you think were the odds you might come up against agitated and ill-informed NFL player in the process who, not knowing the circumstances, would do anything in his power to impede your forward progress? Have you read up about fans lately who’re actually trying to attack NFL players and see what happens to them? Ask Kyler Murray.

Did you consider first a dry run at a non-televised Spelling Bee competition?

Did you know that while ESPN may have refused to televise your shenanigans, you did make quite an impression on ESPN2, where the whole thing was critiqued by Peyton and Eli Manning, with humor and glee in how it ended? Are they now vulnerable to a civil lawsuit that involves defamation of character?

Do you take offense by being called a “fan,” “streaker” or “interloper” who entered the playing field domain? Does “idiot” work OK?

Do you realize a real fan wouldn’t do such a thing. They’ve seen film before of what Mike “The Animal” Curtis, Mike Ditka or James Harrison have done to said folks who’ve attempted to breach their workplace. Again, due diligence?

Are you, or any of your relatives, the type to move to Florida after a huge natural disaster, grateful that the government used emergency tax funded relief to rebuild the entire place, then immediately track down a personal attorney to sue everyone in sight after the next natural disaster hits and wipes out all your belongings?

Do you really have someone named Paul Darwin Picklesimer coming to your defense on this?

Likely without the advice of legal counsel, Wagner has already said his reaction to this not-so-vicious hit was provoked by “just keeping it safe … you never know what that person has got in their pocket, their hands, whatever. … There’s consequences for your actions.”

Consequentially, the actions of Wright, who, with teammate Takkarist McKinley were the focal point of this reaction, are not likely to lead them to lay down in the drive-thru lane at a Santa Clara McDonald’s to demonstrate against the high cost of chicken nuggets. This would only agitate you, as the assistant manager, from doing your job to keep customers calm and business as usual.

Besides, lawsuits — even threatened ones — don’t scare the Rams. This is their side hustle.

Remember when they won the 2019 NFC title game in New Orleans, and litigious Saints fans demanded financial recourse over a conspiracy no-call on an obvious pass interference? Thrown out.

About a year ago, Rams owner Stan Kroenke managed to get the NFL to help him pay $790 million to settle lawsuits by St. Louis that had dragged on nearly five years after he moved the team to L.A. That seems to be a whole separate suit than what was filed against him by fans last July who weren’t happy with Kroenke over some stadium seat licensing issues.

What’s pending: A 49ers fan sued the team last month after getting “cold-cocked” and landing in a coma after the NFC championship game last January. The 6-foot, 242-pound Wagner was a member of the Seattle Seahawks at the time and not believed to be near this incident.

According to the team website, The Wallace Firm, which deals with all sorts of injury claims and is stocked with wrongful death attorneys, is a “proud partner” of the Rams. With 4.6 out of five stars on the Google reviews. Their website is

There will be no ambulance chasing here. The Rams have their pro-bono lawyers ready and willing to defend their honor.

Perhaps Wallace and his gromits can also check into what they can do to help speed along this trial going on, which involves animal welfare activist accused of stealing piglets at a farm in Utah. Know anything about this, Pink Smoke Man?

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