"Everything comes to him who hustles while he waits." — Tommy Edison
Author: fartheroffthewall
Tom Hoffarth is a sports journalist in Los Angeles, born and raised (reared is the correct phrase, but it just sounds wrong) and specializing in the sports media business. A USC graduate from the School of Journalism (it still exists, somewhat) in 1984, he is also available for service at https://www.linkedin.com/in/tomhoffarth/
Major League Baseball striking up a new business relationship with a cannabis company is pretty dope.
Add that in with its array of the sell-our-souls partnerships that already exist — sports betting services, hard alcohol, and pharma companies that address erectile dysfunction, hair replacement and how to fix a crooked carrot — Fox’s upcoming World Series will be a nightly between-innings catalyst for the most cringeworthy family discussions in the modern era. If the kids are allowed to stay up late on the East Coast, of course after both the Mets and Yankees disappears.
The latest addition to the convoluted truth-telling equation — the company in the CBD world about to chew on the Manfred-signed horsehide is called Charlotte’s Web.
Cannabis Company And Major League Baseball Sign Deal For Charlotte’s Web To Be ‘Official CBD of MLB,’ Report Says
The plan is to promote the business at the upcoming World Series.
If you thought flavored vaping companies were a threat to your children’s vapid minds, explain to them how this 100 percent natural and vegan-friendly co-op has nothing to do with a friendly spider, a slaugherable pig and a rat who somehow remains the moral compass in this backward barnyard.
The one and only time we stepped onto a court with other resistant AARPs, expectations were low, a half hour later confirmed we’re not very good at it, and we exited the facility with no real incentive to get better.
As for the dozens of others whooping it up on their reserved numbered courts, they’ve figured out the ridiculous scoring system (as if tennis is any better), accept the nuances of the Playskool-looking Wiffle ball needed for each match, and embrace its fashionable attire, which makes everyone feel even better about themselves and their average abilities when the hopped back in their supped-up golf carts to go to the local cafeteria lunch area and decompress.
Day after day, the stories about how pickleball – one word, not two as spell-check demands — is the hot new sport/game/activity/pastime/exercise/ego boost never run out of inertia.
Some 5 million Americans do it, compared to 45 million who have student loan debt and 195 million coming to grips with genital herpes. The numbers don’t really add up. The average age of participants is dropping down to under 40. By 2040, it might even get to zero.
Pickleball, as this 21st Century version of racquetball or handball or badminton or paddleball or, God forbid, ping pong, must realize that once someone declares over a Starbucks muffin that this is perfectly trending to be vogush, tony or au courant, it immediately ceases to be.
Somehow, it has its own specialized magazine that says its aim is to cover “America’s fastest-growing sport, follow the latest trends, instruction, gear, new clubs, travel destinations, game strategies, and stories of the people impacting the sport.” It’s something to read in the Urgent Care facility when trying to explain how your elbow just came out of its U-joint as you attempted an overhead smash when catching a glimpse of your spouse on the other side of the net.
It has even been ESPN-plained to us. They might have even referenced this YouTube video. It was posted in 2017 and now looks like one of those educational films they showed us in elementary school. In the ’60s.
We see the sport is going pro and has a YouTube channel and — again, huge assumption on their part — has “investors” like LeBron James throwing good money at it. He must think it’s actually on TV. Like, what … getting slimed on Pickleodeon?
Confession: We saw it played the other day as part of the “CBS Sports Spectacular” anthology series on CBS Sports Net, which we assumed would have already been folded into Paramount+ never to be seen again. It was not spectacular. It was played indoors in Atlanta. Has ESPN+ figured out its financial potential in its depository of desperation yet, with parkour and axe throwing? It is possible it has already been on Bally Sports Whatever and we’ve just assumed the title description made it seem like another infomercial for some kitchen aid deep fryer?
(Hang on, fringe sports fans: Just saw something in the latest Sharper Image catalogue – A $199.999 Backyard Pong Golf set. It looks like cornhole, but with 10 holes per board that have places to put red Solo cups, and then two golf wedges with a dozen foam golf balls to hit off chipping mats. Hold on while we search for our Discover card and …. Swipe left).
The only way we’d actually consider getting more emerged in Pickleball Culture — if actual pickles were incorporated. Especially the kosher ones, which would make this even more appealing in the Canters-adjacent areas of L.A.
We are huge pickle fans. We have been doing our due diligence on how we could become an absentee co-owner of the Portland Pickles, a college wood-bat team in the West Coast League. Its mascot is Dillon the Pickle. Its hats are the coolest things in the game.
Pickles are what make a pastrami sandwich and are equally delightful on pepperoni pizza.
And now that we’ve gone down this darker path, we can see ourselves as the ones to create the official sports-centric energy drink for these parched participants.
It would be high-end pickle juice. Drink up. Straight from the Vlasic jar. Add vodka if necessary.
Mt. Olive, another rival pickeler, has these tiny 2 ounce containers, packaged like a 5-Hour Energy boost. That’s thinking too small.
Use the larger, aluminum skinny cans, like Red Bull.
We’d offer ours up as Green Bull. Or Brine Time. (Insert your own name here, then delete it, because we’ve already got copyrights and purchased bargain-basement $2.99 URLs for it).
No secret ingredients: Water, vinegar, salt with a variety of pickling herbs — turmeric, tarragon, mustard seed, bay leaf, ancho chili. If you’ve got the thyme, we’ve got the stuff that back in the day, major league baseball players drank before anything called Gatorade was thought about. Suitable for freezing into pickle juice popsicles, if only for the good potassium, calcium, lactobacillus and magnesium.
Invest today in a cumbersome cucumber farm. Then bring it onto “Shark Tank” and get Mark Cuban to accept a 5 percent share for what we valuate as a $25 billion business.
Then, if someone playing in a televised championship pickleball match someday is accused of cheating — “Just look at him – he’s juicing” — they would be 100 percent correct. Thanks to us.
Wilt Chamberlain’s lair in Bel-Air is up in the air, listed for sale at the now-reduced price of $11.995 mil.
If that isn’t cool enough for you, then please step aside, my man. We’re starting up a collection to secure a piece of this historic erection. Who’s throwing in the first crypto cabbage to reclaim Wilt’s crib?
When we try to size up the life and times of Basketball Hall of Famer Wilt Chamberlain — a 7-foot-1 skyscraper all to himself — we become humbled as mortals transfixed on a compilation of staggering numbers.
He held 72 NBA records at one time. The 31,419 points he scored in the regular season may not be as iconic as 715 homers, but, accumulated over 14 years, it had been the NBA’s all-time mark (and still holds strong at No. 7, with the top spot soon to be claimed by LeBron James, passing Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, even though both played a far more games than Wilt).
A career 30.07 points-per-game average is now second to Michael Jordan’s 30.12, in 15 seasons. Wilt topped it off at a record 50.4 points a game in 1961-62, at age 25, which was also the season he had a record 100-point game (that almost no one witnessed), all by himself.
Wilt’s 23,924 career rebounds, meanwhile, remains No. 1, more than 2,000 clear of rival Bill Russell, and will likely never be touched.
The Lakers’ Wilt Chamberlain, left, stands beside a trophy presented to him after he became the all-time leading rebounder in NBA history, at the Forum in Inglewood on Jan. 31, 1972. (AP Photo)
In ’67-’68, with the 76ers, he not only led the league again in scoring, but also averaged a league-best 8.6 assists a game, and had 31 triple-doubles in that finally Philly campaign. Listen to this: On February 2, 1968, Chamberlain scored 22 points, had 25 rebounds, and racked up 21 assists in a 131-121 Sixers win over the Pistons.
He was then shipped to L.A. as the game’s reigning MVP and its newest star as the Fabulous Forum was newly opened. Remember who he was traded for? Archie Clark, Darrall Imhoff, Jerry Chambers and likely a blank check. We can thank then-Lakers owner Jack Kent Cooke, who bestowed Wilt with a ridiculous $250,000 salary (vs. the $100,000 given to Jerry West) and with Wilt as the new team captain, he brought the city its first NBA title, in 1972, as the catalyst of the fast-break offense, ignited by his outlet pass off the rebound. Chick Hearn delighted in him, and we were in awe.
Congrats and salutations to the young rebel who called attention to himself by dynamically prancing across the field during the Rams-49ers game on Monday Night Football, leading to a surprise meet-and-greet – and near beat-down — by Rams linebacker Bobby Wagner.
After which, the lad had the inflated balls to file a police report against Wagner, as reported by TMZ.
The fan who was leveled by Bobby Wagner after running onto the field during "Monday Night Football" this week has now filed a police report over the incident. https://t.co/0XJsDnBzqM
He successfully checked all the correct boxes in getting a protest message across effectively. They don’t teach this in college. It’s real-life experience. It also creates a curious if not lively discussion about what this all entails on even more credible media platforms. It has some shelf life now. Bravo.
From reading on, we’ve come to know the name of this fellow, but we’ll refrain from identifying him. We believe in the merit of a recent Associated Press policy change to no longer run the names of people charged with minor crimes “out of concern such stories can have a long, damaging effect on the Internet and make it hard for individuals to move on with their lives.” Yes, this will come back to haunt him. Plus, if it was publicity he was seeking, he’s going to have to live with being nameless in this space.
So without naming names, we now know what you were protesting. We don’t totally agree with it. But that’s your right.
Now that we’ve also learned you’ve asked the local authorities to act on your behalf because of you’ve come to believe you were unnecessarily assaulted during your truant action, again, we again don’t agree. But that’s your party, and you’ll cry if you want to.
Even with a greater understanding for your naivety, we somewhat admire your gumption.
Now, we invite you to leap into a vat of burning hot oil and see how that ends up.
So, so predictable. Yet even founding members of the Houston Astros’ “Trash Can Bangers Club,” circa 2017-19, are embarrassed.
From rook to royal flush to rainbow trout, all this unethical behavior comes to light when the simple act of maintaining a poker face — literally, in one case — is so difficult that the opponents sense deceit and the violation of being cheated. That’s the issue with all three. Let’s “Judge Steve Harvey” some video-evidence outrage while the dialogue is fresh:
Chess master Magnus Carlsen has alleged that rival Hans Neimann has been up to no good, twice withdrawing from head-to-head matchups in two separate events against him last month. In a subsequent statement, the 31-year-old Carlsen said he knew something was wrong when 19-year-old Neimann “wasn’t tense or even fully concentrating on the game in critical positions, while outplaying me as black in a way I think only a handful of players can.” Masters can sense that in an opponent, when the other is too fast or skillfull.
Carlsen says Niemann poses an “existential threat” to the sport’s integrity.
The other day, something called Chess.com, an online platform where many top players compete, issued a 72-page report reviewed by, of all media outlets, the Wall Street Journal. It’s research accused Niemann of receiving illegal assistance more than 100 times in his online professional career, as recently as 2020, with prize money on the line, doing it with a pattern of “remarkable signals and unusual patterns.”
Yeah, you’ve heard about the anal beads. And artificial intelligence. Or whatever other gizmo will help you decide how a rook moves versus a pawn.
Neimann had supposedly admitted he cheated twice in online chess way back when he was age 12 and 16, but he’s outgrown that. Matured. Learned from his mistakes.
Washington Post master sports columnist Sally Jenkins writes that “the Carlsen-Niemann confrontation raises the important matter of ‘techno-solutionism.’ Too much machine intelligence in problem-solving, as it happens, can be more confusing — and weakening — than helpful. The long-term cost of techno-solutionism can be a fatal slackness, both mental and physical. You don’t want to lose your conditioning for decisive human judgment. … ‘Recommendation algorithms’ can solve some problems, but they don’t always make us smarter or stronger.”
Kinda like when SABR masters fill MLB R&A offices and pollute the decision-makers in the dugout into yielding to their data about how to circumvent things like extreme defensive shifts (soon to be eliminated), use relief pitchers as starters to mess with lineups strategy, or even resort to a need for an electronic system in the ear of the pitcher and catcher so they can discuss slider/curveball selections – all to avoid the ballpark nuanced sounds of thumping trashcans?
We all feel like pawns in a system of checks and checkmates. No solution yet — just a stalemate. Please, show us all your cards.
Which leads to …
Poker veteran player and TV reality star Garrett “Gman” Adelstein has accused newcomer Robbi Jade Lew of cheating after she pulled off an improbable upset win at a Hustler Casino Live event in Gardena.
(We’ve always been taught: What happens in Gardena usually has a stay-over at a Circle K in Harbor City where justice is ultimately carried out).
When confronted, Lew didn’t admit to anything, but reportedly offered all the money back from the $269,000 pot to him that she won. Even though she felt bullied into doing so.
On @HCLPokerShow tonight – after one of the most bizarre all-in-and-a-call situations in TV poker history – @GmanPoker kinda did a @MagnusCarlsen and left the game.
But only after he got his money back from the losing hand.
Late at night on Sept. 29, Adelstein may have looked like the bigger boob by posting on social media that he reviewed Lew’s previous 11 hours of footage and thought what she did was “extremely out of character compared to prior hands.”
(Personal question: Is Lew married? Can we cross-examine her husband as a character witness?)
The poker world chimed in, trying to stay abreast with Lew’s every move.
Commentator Bart Hanson put up a 27-minute dissertation on the subject on YouTube and said “maybe there is a 20-to-30 percent change of cheating” in this case, but it’s not likely. There’s a zero percent chance we’ll watch his video for verification of this assessment.
Lew isn’t buying it either.
I read the man and make a hero call after he shoves on a turned brick card. Get over it.
I’ll say it again like I’ve said it before: “I’m not playing nice in the sandbox anymore.”
That was “either an insane hero call, or cheating,” is how one summed up the play in which Adelstein had an open-ended straight flush draw and went all-in on the turn, at which time Lew had a weak jack-high hand but also curiously went all-in and messed up everyone’s strategy.
We have no idea what the paragraph above means, or if it’s even possible. Our anal beads tell us to move on. This all feels like a problematic way of playing “Go Fish.”
Speaking of which …
A fishing tournament in Cleveland last weekend, the Lake Erie Walleye Trail, went sideways when the tournament director held up five live fish that were estimated to be four pounds each — 20 pounds total.
They ended up weighing in at nearly 34 pounds. Enough to make the guy working the fresh meat section at Ralphs have a double take.
Alleged fisherman Jacob Runyan and Chase Cominsky stood to win a prize of about $30,000 for their haul. But then they were left to answer — or not — as director Jason Fischer took a knife, cut the fish open, and weights started falling out of it.
Teach a man to fish, and he loads the catch with thirty pieces of lead.
This also cast a shadow of doubt of the Runyan-Cominsky previous wins over the last three months. Obviously. Experts in this competition say technology and increasing prizes has incentivize cheating to a point where many can’t be trusted any more.
I'd like to clarify my position in regard to competitive fishing.
Yes, I'm aware that many of these sport-fishing competitions practice 'catch-and-release,' a more 'humane' approach.
And I'm sure many of the fish then visit their local ER to get the medical attention they need. https://t.co/oaRaIrqA66
This makes us all uneasy — like shooting fish in a barrel of monkeys who are playing poker with a bunch of dogs who think they are playing chess while everyone else is playing checkers.
We assume these people are in the cerebral worlds of chess, poker and fishing because they like being off the non-intellectual sports radar of fantasy football. They don’t have the villainous tendencies for something as wicked as throwing 20-pound cornhole bags, hollwed-out horseshoes or using illegally modified 3-D printer paintball guns (purchased without an intelligence background check).
There is a way to resolve these three stains on our competitive sporting landscape.
First, make all chess, poker and fishing part of the Olympic movement, preferably by 2028 when the Los Angeles Organizing Committee people can take ownership of another toxic-mess cleanup. That’s our thing.
Next, invite Magnus Carlsen and Hans Neimann, Garrett Adelstein and Robbi Jade Lew, and Jacob Runyan and Chase Cominsky to a Hollywood studio (Gardena-adjacent), trust enough that we can give them a plane ticket and a phony brochure, then invite them to participate in a three-part episode of a revival of the mashed-up reality show “Temptation Island: Cheaters Edition.” Martha’s Vineyard will be accommodating host on short notice.
Each day, the six of them rotate partners as they compete in extensive exercises of chess, poker and fishing. Rule books be damned. The players enforce things themselves on the dis-honor system.
Poetic justice.
The trickster’s triathlon hosted by Alex Rodriguez.
Losers, and winners, get a weekend of soul cycle cleansing with Lance Armstrong.
Tom Hoffarth's The Drill: More Farther Off the Wall 